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This is real. I didn’t ever want this to hit my blog, my new one. I wanted everything to be happy. But, I messed up. I broke a rule and now I’m a mess again. Hopefully, this is temporary and I can go back to being in denial soon. And No. This is not about drugs, I’ve never done drugs in my life… unless you can call a person that. It’s about me and an Ex. I thought I was safe because we are nowhere near each other. I could put up all these walls. Stop social networking. Only blog anonymously. Never call. Never text. Avoid him at all costs. Never see him again. But we have a son. And I swear if that didn’t give me a reason to talk to him (or even want to), it would be so much easier to go through with the plan. But plans never actually work and yet I keep making them. After the incident that ended us, I was pretty good about not speaking or responding. Until now. I mean I’ve been able to ignore the whole situation and pretend it never happened… until now. I don’t think about him so long that when something actually DOES remind me of him, I can’t handle it and I cry… sometimes.. I scream. I called him today. I shouldn’t have. I wanted to let him know that he would only be able to contact me online for about three months. Not on FB, not through email. Just Twitter. Lol. But, I should have just let it happen without calling even though that would have been evil. It was my plan. Lately, I can’t sleep. So, nervously I called him today and told him what was up. The whole time I spoke to him, my voice was trembling. I couldn’t help it. There’s a mixture of all kinds of emotions in there – a lot of hate, but mostly love, distrust, and anger. And I hate it. I wish I could just forget about him, that he ever existed. And I can’t. I try so hard. And when I talk to him I feel like I have to make it so clear that I still hate him. But I end up smiling and laughing, saying I hate him, but trembling wanting to tell him that I love him so much. But he hurt me over and over again and there is no way I can go back. And the funny thing is he’s so young and immature that even if he read this he would only pretend he understood or pretend he cared. Even if I tell him to just be one hundred. Well, I told him today and his response when I finally got it was somewhat computer-generated. I should just stop. I shouldn’t have called. I should have just let it happen. I can’t wait ’til January 1st. One of these days, I’ll be completely over him and the only thing I will be able to do is keep moving forward. Until then, I guess pray for me because most days I’m good… but some days I’m not. And I guess this is just going to be one of those not-so-good days.

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